The Collateral Beauty of Christmas

This season of hope, there was a common strand in my life that united the intricacies of my world, with the heavenly realm. 

I was gifted a ticket to hear CapriCCio and The Victoria Brass perform inside Christ Church Cathedral. This incredible photo of light streaming inside was taken by me at night around 8pm.

 I felt loved by many friends and embraced by the gifting hearts of strangers.

I saw the value in the time people used, to send me numerous seasons’ greetings, on Christmas day. All the while, I was surrounded by the reminders of death that touches my gentle soul.

Before Christmas Eve, I found myself swinging in a bucket- 94ft up in the air on the Ferris wheel that is set up yearly, in Centennial Square. Gingerly taking my cell phone out to record a short clip for friends, their responses of surprise made it all worthwhile!

Notice I am with Victoria's skyline of buildings

My view of the city!

 On the night before Christmas, I set out my traditional meal, while adding some new favourites- like a Baconluxious bar, in addition to the fruit jellies from the UK. A small box of Hawaiian chocolate macadamia nuts had a personal connection, while two of my homemade ginger dark shortbread found their way onto the tray.   

I placed on another serving dish I had bought at The Salvation Army, a can of savory delights; including smoked oysters, an array of olives, chicken wings, battered prawns, cheese and crackers. Connected to Christmas`s that have past, what stood out, was all of the food had been bought with grocery cards gifted to me. In essence, this meal was created by the love and care of others, who have touched my heart by their kindness. 

One of my traditions is to watch one or more of the Christmas movies that share in the message of joy. This year was no exception, when I selected “A Dog Named Christmas,” to view.

After watching this film, I believe it chose me, as it had several key factors, which struck a chord. I knew the first indicator that tears would soon follow, was the shining golden trademark logo of Hallmark, upon the screen. My throat felt a lump already in it, even before the film began. The next indicator was the dog being the same kind of breed that my precious golden lab, Boots, had been. My dog was more than a pet; he was a protector of a little girl tarnished by sorrow. I used to grab onto Boot`s neck and sob into his furry coat, asking him to run away with me. To this day, I still have his dog tag with me. Adding to the sap factor, was the movie started with a date of December 12^th, the day my daughter passed away.

By now, most people would have shut off the film and maybe had a nice Christmas drink, but I was determined to see this movie through. I was doing relatively well, when nearing the end, Sara McLaughlin’s song, In the Arms of an Angel, came on. This was one of the songs played at Shayla`s Celebration of Life…cue flowing tears, clusters of Kleenex and muffled sobs.

Thank You very much Hallmark! Another successful display of emotions evoked from your presentations.

In the morning, I unwrapped the fleece blanket present given to me at Anawim House. Inside were toiletries, gloves, hand warmers, and treats. In taking the photo`s for this post, I rearranged the fleece into a heart, to display all of what was kindly packed inside by students. 

Leaving the place I am staying at, I followed the usual road at Royal Oak Cemetery. This year, for my dear friend Judy, I placed angel wings at the grave site of her daughter, Lindsay. 

I had sent a parcel to Judy earlier in the week, filled with four ornaments and a signed copy of the article I wrote for Stigma Magazine. One angel ornament was in memory of Shayla, the tear drop ornament was in remembrance of Lindsay. I had bought it from The Cridge Centre for the Family fundraiser. I included in the package, a heart with flared wings, with a trinket heart that said: Love that was for my friend`s brother Randy, who had passed away years ago. 

I also wanted to include something fun for Judy, who loves the Minions, so I sent her an adorable Stewart ornament. I really missed not seeing her for our usual getting together on the 12^th, so this Christmas Day, I missed her the most.

After leaving the cemetery, I gathered my own gift bag of goodies and went to the streets of Victoria. I have always been greeted with warmth and this year I felt the many hugs, thank-you`s and God bless that were given back in return. I was humbled when all I had left was to give a man a pop and his reaction was resounding joyfulness. He smiled, with broken and missing teeth; extending his arms around me, he was truly grateful for the beverage. When I finished handing things, I drove out to the theatre to see my customary Christmas day movie. I stopped in at a gas station to grab a coffee and when I parked, the palette of sadness enveloped me. In the bushes, where chirping birds hung off naked limbs, was a person stretched underneath. I have witnessed this despairing scene in Hawaii, Florida and other various parts of the USA. Poverty cares less about borders and more about digging into the broken souls, of those afflicted. I stared at the items tied to and strung around a shopping cart, when all of a sudden on my car radio, the lyrics to Do They know It`s Christmas played on. 

The Salvation Army helps all over the world.

 At the movie theatre, I settled into watching a film, most would avoid altogether. My choice was Collateral Beauty. Beforehand, I checked the reviews and was disappointed to see many slamming the portrayal of grief and loss or those perplexed by the actions of someone, whose child had died.

I do not give much acclaim to critics of films; as once I watched the highly raved about: The English Patient. After, I thought to myself… I will never get back the 2 hours and 42 minutes of my life sucked away from me, by this tedious, confusion of a film. This of course, is my own opinion.

With the stellar cast of Collateral Beauty; I began to watch the astral features of death, time and love unfold onto the big screen. I was mesmerized by the layers of profundity that encompassed all of the characters. Will smith`s adaption of a grieving father was zealous and pragmatic. Compounded with the preciousness of life and equivalent to the untimely facet of death; this film had me at good-byes- a main theme played throughout. 

 As a mother whose child has died, I felt Will`s character Howard — pull out of my compartments of grief, a sense of entitlement to the collateral beauty shared in this movie. It has my recommendation to go see it with an open mind and caring heart. 

During the film, I overheard one person whisper, "Oh, a grieving parent would never act like that!" In an instant, I realized they had not experienced the death of a child. 

I myself, have said and done things all related to my daughters death, that I never  would have imagined. 

I commend the director David Frankel and writer Allan Loeb, for taking the main layers of grief and adding continuous lines which are blurred, unless one is paying attention, to the details. 

On my way to the next stop, this motion picture left me with much to contemplate.

I was determined this Christmas to keep some traditions, while imparting new ones, into the spirit of the holiday season. Then, unexpectedly, after five years of not taking part in a Christmas meal, I broke this custom by accepting an invite from a lady from my church, along with her daughter.

Moriah greeted me and gave me a tour of the lovely, Victorian decorated home she shared with her mother, Carrianne. There were five of us gathered with Carrianne and Moriah, in a place that felt as if you had stepped back in time to the early décor of a Victorian period dwelling. From the festive tree of copper wire fairy string lights, tinted with hues of pink feathers and clusters of crimson balls, I appreciated the sign nestled in the branches with the word “Faith.” 

As I walked past the entrance of their home, the nativity scene unfolded on a mantel piece, while the bathroom was something featured in Heirloom Magazine. My eyes were treated to a feast of interior decorations that made one feel the warmth and love, of those who lived there. 

This hospitality carried over to the meal that featured herb garlic potatoes, freshly cooked beets, a ham adorned with zest and much more! 

Soon, Carrianne and Moriah`s home was filled with their laughter, along with Lumena Da Costa, Ramona and myself. There were pieces of love, time and death spoken amongst us in a Ya-Ya Sisterhood kind of way. Our moments shared with one another, interwoven in our lives, reminded us that there is strength and beauty in numbers. 

 Prior to attending this festive Christmas gathering and since the passing of my daughter, I could not fathom sitting down for a traditional meal, without her. I recall the years of playing silly games, drinking eggnog, and looking over to see Shayla, in one of her many festive Christmas hats.

The kindness of others, inviting me into their homes for the holidays would have me politely decline. I thought of how my daughter made Christmas so special and the love we shared made me strive for her to have the happiness she deserved. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, this was not always possible. This led me to also dwell on those times when her joy was interrupted by the self-centredness of others. Before, when she was alive, I could hope for next Christmas being without all the drama…then death came to visit and all the while I wished for another year, was ripped away.

While time can be saturated with regrets, it can also be a source of healing.

My Christmas prayers have included someone from a previous lifetime of union. I want them to know, as the Fraser waters flow southwest and drains into the Pacific Ocean, our lives although gone in separate direction shall meet again someday, amongst the pages of my book.

Meanwhile, the passage of time, has mended old wounds.

Their gift of empathy offered to me during the holidays was a true blessing, with forgiveness now attached to our hearts tossed into the sea…many moons ago.

Life is about people. At the end of the day, we're here to connect love, time and death. Now these three things connect every single human being on earth. We long for love. We wish we had more time. And we fear death ~Collateral Beauty 

 Play Song from Collateral Beauty Soundtrack: One Republic- 

"Let's Hurt Tonight" https://youtu.be/8wGN7D03Nho

By TL Alton